"I Just Told You!": Understanding Working Memory

Over the past two weeks, we've looked at task initiation and organization, two executive functioning skills that makes homework feel harder than it needs to be.

This week let's look at a skill that often leaves parents feeling confused and frustrated. That skill is working memory.

Because sometimes a child isn't ignoring directions.

They're having trouble holding onto them long enough to use them.

It's the end of the school day.

You say, "Go upstairs, put your folder in your backpack, grab your water bottle, and meet me by the door."

A minute later your child is standing upstairs.

Without the folder.

Without the water bottle.

Looking completely unsure about why they went upstairs in the first place.

You probably even asked yourself, "Were they even listening?"

It's a fair question.

But I'd like you to consider another possibility.

Your child may have heard every word you said.

They just couldn't keep all of the information in mind while trying to complete the task.

This was totally my son. If I gave him more than 3 steps in a list of directions at one time, he would definitely get one, maybe another, but one certainly would fall to the side (out of his working memory).

What is working memory?

Working memory is the ability to hold information in your mind while using it.

Children (all of us really) use working memory all day long. It's very much invisible. That's why the behaviors around it present like not listening, intentionally not doing, procrastinating, etc.

Children rely on it to:

* Remember multi-step directions.

* Keep track of where they are in a math problem.

* Copy information from the board.

* Remember what they were about to say.

* Follow routines without needing constant reminders.

Working memory isn't about intelligence.

A child can understand something completely and still struggle to remember it long enough to act on it.

What working memory challenges look like at home.

Parents often notice things like:

* Having to ask the same question several times.

* Your kiddo forgetting what they were asked to do.

* Losing track of the steps in a homework assignment.

* Starting one task and unintentionally moving on to another. (This is also a part of task initiation/procrastination.)

* Walking into a room and forgetting why they went there. (I do this ALL the time LOL)

From the outside, it truly looks like they weren't paying attention.

The more probable explanation is that they are holding onto information while managing distractions, shifting attention, or solving a problem. And that takes A LOT of mental effort. For some children, that holding space fills up quickly.

Repeating yourself typically doesn't help. We find ourselves saying: "I already told you." "Weren't you listening?" "How could you forget already?"

The frustration is absolutely and totally understandable.

The challenge is that repeating the same instruction in the same way doesn't reduce the amount of information your child is trying to hold in mind.

If working memory is overloaded, adding more words usually adds more to remember. Your kiddo won't hear 'a repeat of the same directions' they hear new additional steps to add to their already overloaded working memory.

So then what helps?

Instead of giving four directions at once, try one or two. I know as parents we want to move quickly especially in the morning trying to get out the door for school for example. But using better strategies that work for your kiddo, will actually be more efficient and save time in long run.

Personally, I had mornings where I was shouting out a barrage of tasks (with 3 boys, is there any other way? LOL). In 3 seconds or less I would have directed them to grab bookbags, lunches, shoes, jackets, etc. and meet me at the car. Two would have no issue with this. One, not so much.

The number one strategy I used with my kiddo was giving one direction, spoken slowly, at a time. After that task was done, I'd give the next one. I realize this sounds like it would slow everything down to a snail's pace, but it actually didn't.

Other strategies to try:

* Ask your child to repeat the directions back to you.

* Write down multi-step tasks.

* Use visual reminders for routines.

* Pause before giving another instruction to make sure the first one has been completed.

* Keep routines as consistent as possible so children don't have to remember every step from scratch.

These strategies don't lower expectations. They reduce the mental load while your child builds the skill.

Working memory affects more than homework

Working memory shows up throughout the day.

It's remembering to bring your lunch to school.

Keeping track of the steps in a morning routine.

Remembering what the teacher just explained while solving the next problem. (This one is a big one, especially for kiddos like my daughter who also has the perfectionistic part of ADHD. There was no 'scribbling down whatever your ears caught' for her.)

Following directions during sports practice.

The more demands placed on working memory, the harder it becomes to keep everything in mind at once.

Behind the Behavior

Forgetting can be frustrating for everyone involved.

Parents become tired of repeating themselves.

Children become tired of disappointing the adults around them. (And quite frankly, tired of hearing the same directions that confused them or frustrated them already.)

Before assuming your child wasn't listening, ask: Could they be having trouble holding onto the information long enough to use it?

That question doesn't excuse the forgotten homework or the missed direction.

It helps us respond in a way that teaches the skill instead of simply pointing out the mistake.

Over time, small supports like visual reminders, shorter directions, and predictable routines can help children rely less on memory and more on systems that work for them.

Reflection for this week

This week, notice the moments when your child forgets something you've just said.

Pause and then ask yourself:

* How many directions did I give at once?

* Could I break this into smaller steps?

* Would a visual reminder help more than another verbal reminder?

Then finish with one question:

Am I simply expecting my child to remember everything, or am I giving them tools that help them remember what they need to?