"Am I Crazy??" When Parents Feel Gaslighted by Schools
Last year, I was pulling my hair out (yes, almost literally) because I was getting a clear message from my child’s school that services may not be approved because she “doesn’t necessarily meet the eligibility criteria”. This baffled me! She left online schooling under a 504, and the implication was that the 504 should cover her need for supports. I vehemently disagreed as I knew that transition from online to brick-and-mortar schooling was going to be challenging.
I had a calendar with attendance issues including the “why” behind each tardy, early check out, and missed day. It also included trips to the nurse and guidance office. I had pages of notes about struggles with anxiety before, during and after school. I had examples of meltdowns that happened on a regular basis due to overwhelm and emotional dysregulation. I had information from my own research about executive functioning challenges leading to school refusal, task initiation problems and general anxiety and overwhelm. The mornings filled with stomachaches and headaches, and the way she would blame herself for “not being motivated enough” or worse yet “not being normal”. This was heart crushing! Maybe you can relate.
But the school’s response?
“She’s fine at school most of the time.”
“The teachers aren’t having any problems in the classroom.”
“Maybe outside coaching for ADHD would help.”
That’s calledgaslighting.And yes, it happens in schools, albeit usually unintentional, it still stings when you’re a frustrated parent.
By the end of the meeting, I was frustrated and angry (quite pissed actually). Many parents in this situation would begin to question everything.Am I imagining the problem? Maybe I’m just overreacting? Maybe I’m really being "that parent".Having been through this lovely (read with as much sarcasm as you can muster) process with another child already, I didn’t have those reactions this time. But I clearly remember having them at that time. This time I was feeling driven and determined, a “dog with a bone” basically.
So what does gaslighting looks like in schools?
The Ways Parents Get Dismissed
Gaslighting is when someone makes you doubt your own experiences, memory, or judgment. Gaslighting isn’t always obvious. Quite often it’s a well-meaning teacher insisting, “it’s a phase. ”Or a principal assuring you that your child doesn’t need extra help because they’re “average.” Or your IEP team reporting, “the teachers say he’s a wonderful student and there are no issues in the classroom”. It also looks like:
Being told your child doesn’t need support, even when you see daily struggles at home.
Hearing, “Other kids are worse off,”as though support is only for the most extreme cases.
Having your concerns minimized with,“ He’ll grow out of it.”
Being made to feel like you’re overreacting, pushy, or “that parent” for advocating.
Staff shifting the blame back to parenting, instead of looking at unmet learning needs.
When this happens, it’s not only frustrating, it chips away at your confidence and leaves you second-guessing your instincts or feeling that maybe you don’t understand what your child really needs. Worse yet you’re left feeling like you’re the over dramatic mother, you know, “that parent”.
It leaves parents walking away with one question: “Am I freaking crazy? Am I losing my mind?”
You're Not Crazy. You're Not Losing Your Mind. You're Paying Attention.
Here’s the truth: if you see your child struggling day after day, you’re not imagining it. Always remember that you know your child better than anyone else. You’re the one who sees the late-night tears, the panic attacks before school, the way homework turns into a battlefield. Teachers and staff may see your child for a few hours a day, but you see the whole picture. Trust that. Your gut usually sees it all.
Why Does This Happen?
Most educators want to help kids, but schools are under pressure: tight budgets, limited staff, rigid policies, and fear of setting a “precedent”. Instead of admitting, “We don’t have the resources, ”it’s often easier (and safer) for schools to say, “Your child doesn’t need them.”
But your child’s needs don’t disappear because a system is stretched thin. AND it sounds a little callus but it’s true: the system’s “issues” don’t have anything to do with your child and their needs.
Here’s the truth: resources are often limited, but your child’s needs are real, and they have a right to be assessed for those needs.
How You Can Push Back (Without Losing Your Sanity)
If you ever leave a meeting questioning yourself, here are a few things that can help:
Document everything. Write down what you see at home: meltdowns, hours spent on homework, emotional struggles, avoidance of homework/school attendance/etc. Your record is powerful. Schools have a hard time arguing against consistent, clear documentation. Like my personal experience noted at the beginning of this post, I kept a separate calendar just for attendance concerns as well as a composition notebook just for concerns at home/school/etc.
Bring a witness. A friend, spouse, or advocate can help balance the conversation. Especially when your emotions run high because this is your child. Trust me! I know how that feels.
Ask for evidence. If the school says, “they’re fine,” ask them to show you the data to prove it: grades, test scores, behavioral data. If there isn’t any, that’s a red flag. Push for an evaluation. It’s also why it’s so vital that you keep your own documentation to show examples to the contrary.
Stay calm, stay factual. Gaslighting thrives when you’re made to feel “emotional” or “unreasonable.” Stick to facts, data, and patterns of behavior you’ve observed.
Trust your gut. Again, you know your child better than anyone else. Period. I can’t say that enough.
Advocating for your child is hard enough without feeling like you’re the problem. If you’ve ever felt gaslighted by your child’s school, please hear me! You are not overreacting. You are not being difficult or dramatic. And you are definitely not crazy.
You are a parent who loves your child enough to speak up for them, even when the system tries to quiet your voice. Your child deserves to learn in an environment where they feel supported and successful. And you deserve to be heard, respected, and taken seriously when you speak up for them.
Don’t let the system convince you otherwise. And that makes you exactly the advocate your child needs.
If you’ve ever felt dismissed or second-guessed by your child’s school, you’re not imagining it—and you don’t have to go through it alone. This is exactly the kind of situation I help parents navigate. This is what I help parents do every day: cut through the confusion, push back against gaslighting, and make sure their child gets the support they deserve.
Click here for more information about me and my services.
