Emotional Dysregulation - Do we punish kids for not 'getting' math?
When Kids Don't Understand Math, We Don't Punish Them. When Kids Don't Know How to Self-Regulate, We Punish Their Misbehavior.
When a child struggles with math, we don’t throw up our hands in frustration and punish them for not understanding the material. Instead, we offer help, patience, and resources whether that’s extra practice, a different teaching method, or simply more time to grasp the concepts.
Yet, when it comes to emotional regulation, we often take a very different approach. Instead of recognizing that self-regulation is a skill that needs to be taught and nurtured, we tend to focus on punishing "misbehavior" without considering why the child is struggling in the first place.
I want to explore why teaching children emotional regulation skills is just as important, if not maybe more so, as teaching them academic subjects like math, and how we can better equip kids, both at home and in school, to navigate their emotions in healthy, constructive ways.
The Disconnect Between Discipline and Emotional Learning
I've seen it. Maybe you have too. A child melts down in class or at home, and the immediate reaction is often one of frustration. “Stop it! You’re not listening!” or “Why can’t you just calm down?”
But here’s the thing: many children struggle with emotional regulation because they haven’t been taught how to manage their feelings in the first place. It's one of those executive functioning skills that may develop at a slower rate than the others.
It’s not that they’re “misbehaving” on purpose; they’re simply lacking the tools, skills and strategies to cope with strong emotions.
When kids struggle with a math problem, we know that they don’t have the knowledge or skill to solve it. So, we offer help. Pretty simple, right? We definitely don’t blame them or punish them for not understanding!
We teach them how to approach the problem and give them the time they need to learn.
Emotional regulation is no different. It’s a skill that requires time, practice, and patience (on everyone's part).
Unfortunately, our approach to "misbehavior" in children often misses the mark. Instead of teaching the skills they need, we resort to punishment whether it's losing privileges, time-outs, or even yelling. In the end, the child doesn't "learn" anything. In fact, they not truly understand what they are punished for or worse yet, they may feel that they are the problem - - on the inside. They know they didn't intent to do whatever it was they did, but they also know that they couldn't control it.
Why Emotional Regulation Matters
Emotional regulation is the ability to manage and respond to an emotional experience in an appropriate way. It involves recognizing emotions, understanding their causes, and learning to respond to them constructively.
I know plenty of adults who still don't have this skill perfected. Emotions can be huge and to a child, they are ginormous and scary!
For children, this skill is crucial for several reasons:
Academic Success: Self-regulation is foundational for learning. If a child can’t manage frustration or anxiety, it can be nearly impossible to focus during class/homework or complete assignments. Emotional outbursts often disrupt learning not only for the child involved but for their peers as well.
Social Skills: Children who can regulate their emotions are better equipped to form friendships, resolve conflicts, and communicate effectively with others. Self-regulation helps children understand how to interact appropriately in different social situations.
Long-Term Well-being: The ability to manage emotions leads to better mental health and resilience. Children who learn to regulate their emotions are less likely to develop anxiety or depression and are better at handling stress later in life. (Not so fun fact: most people with ADHD or other neurodivergent suffer from other mental health disorders like anxiety and depression.)
The Root of Misbehavior: Lack of Skills, Not Defiance
When children “act out,” it’s often seen as a behavioral issue or a matter of defiance.
However, many times, it’s simply a result of not having learned the necessary skills to manage overwhelming emotions.
Just like math, emotional regulation doesn’t come naturally to all children. It needs to be taught and practiced, especially in the context of a world that can often feel confusing, stressful, and overwhelming.
For example, a child might act out because they don’t know how to handle frustration when they can’t solve a problem. Or they might shut down when they feel overwhelmed by their environment. These are not signs of a bad child, they’re signs of a child who hasn’t yet developed the tools to cope with challenging emotions.
Teaching Emotional Regulation in Schools
In schools, there’s often an emphasis on academic subjects like math, science, and reading. But how much focus is placed on teaching children how to regulate their emotions? For arguably most students, the answer is "not enough, if any at all."
We need to think of emotional regulation as a core skill that should be taught alongside academic subjects.
Some schools have started implementing social-emotional learning (SEL) programs that focus on building skills like self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship skills. These programs give students the tools they need to understand their emotions and respond appropriately. But many are in their infancy. In addition, when a child (say a preteen) is recommended for this support, it can be too late. This was the case for my son who didn't want to participate in a group with other middle schoolers. It was "stupid and embarrassing". My daughter, on the other hand, wouldn't even consider it given her tendency towards social phobia.
For example, teaching children to recognize their emotional triggers such as feeling frustrated or anxious and giving them strategies like deep breathing, taking a break, or using positive self-talk can help them manage their reactions.
When schools provide this kind of training, they help students create a foundation for emotional well-being that will benefit them throughout their lives.
Teaching Emotional Regulation at Home
While schools can play a key role, the true foundation for emotional regulation starts at home.
Children learn by observing how their caregivers respond to their own emotions and how they handle challenging situations.
Here are some ways to support emotional regulation skills at home:
Model Calmness: Children learn by watching the adults around them. If they see you staying calm in stressful situations, they’ll be more likely to adopt the same approach. Studies from crises in history clearly show this. The holocaust and 9/11 are great examples of parents controlling their emotions, fears, stressors, etc. and their children handling the crises much better than their peers. Practice staying calm when things don’t go as planned and use calm words to explain your emotions.
Label Emotions: Help your child understand and label their emotions by putting feelings into words. For example, “I can see you’re feeling frustrated. It’s okay to feel that way, but let’s work together to calm down.” I suggest starting with very young children and using simple working like mad, sad, disappointed.
Teach Coping Strategies: Teach your child different ways to cope with big emotions. Deep breathing, counting to ten, using a calm-down corner, or taking a short break can all be helpful tools. Practice these strategies together when your child is calm, so they can use them when they’re upset. This point is huge! Do not try to teach these coping skills during an outburst. Their frontal (thinking) brains are completely shut down. They are living in their amygdala (emotional) brains during a meltdown.
Encourage Problem-Solving: When your child is upset, encourage them to think through their feelings and come up with solutions. Ask questions like, “What could you do next time if you feel this way?” or “How can we fix the problem together?”
Praise Efforts, Not Just Outcomes: When your child successfully uses a coping strategy, praise them for their effort. Recognizing their progress, rather than just the outcome, reinforces the importance of using emotional regulation skills.
The Need for a Shift in Perspective
Imagine a world where we treat emotional regulation just as seriously as academic subjects. What if we taught emotional skills early on, in the same way we teach math or reading? Children would be better equipped to face the challenges of their day-to-day lives and handle the emotional ups and downs that are inevitable as they grow.
Instead of punishing kids for "misbehavior," we need to provide them with the skills to manage their emotions in healthy ways. And just like math, if they don’t get it the first time, we should be there to offer support, patience, and encouragement.
The same principle should apply to emotional regulation as any skill to be learned.
Children can’t always control their emotions, but they can learn how to manage them with the right guidance and support. By shifting our approach from punishment to teaching, we can help children build the essential skills they need to navigate their emotions and thrive in every aspect of their lives. If there is any "subject" they will definitely use forever, it's regulating their emotions.
It’s time to stop punishing kids for struggling with their feelings and start teaching them how to understand and regulate their emotions.
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