From “Did You Do Your Homework?” to Planning Independently

Do you ever wonder: how can my kiddo possibly grow into an independent adult when they can't even keep up with a simple thing like homework? That's peanuts compared to "real life". And how do you get this kid to that place?

I'm a huge Twilight Zone fan so hang with me ....

Imagine, if you will, that you have a crystal ball. Not even to see the future but to see what has been going on in my last 24 hours.

My morning looked like: "Hey Levi, you have your homework in your book bag so you can turn it in, right?!"

Crickets ... 🤨

I've been doing the "parenting" thing long enough that I already know the answer, so today I just let it go since I don't have the time or mental energy to address it right now. Although, admittedly, it's still bubbling up in my brain.

I asked him last night. "Do you have homework?" Yep. "When are you going to start working on it?" Soon.

He said he had it. He said he did it. Usually, I will follow up and ask if he actually did complete it, but then life happened. The cat was acting odd, so I was trying to pay attention to him (he's pushing 11 years old so, you know, kind of concerning). The dishes were way past due to move to the dishwasher (as I too have ADHD, tasks that aren't so fun easily get pushed further and further back) so I figured I best knock that out.

Now I'm in bed trying to go to sleep at 2am, wondering if my kiddo's homework was done. And worried about what the morning would look like if it wasn't.

To be super transparent and honest, by the end of the day, I usually feel more like his phone notification apps than his parent.

If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. Parents often become the external "keeper of all things important and urgent" for their children because, well, someone has to keep things moving. And if your beautiful kiddo is 2 years old, of course, you'll be doing all "the stuff".

The problem is: now Levi is 16 and I shouldn't be keeping up with anything (outside maybe doc appointments and making sure there's food LOL). But definitely NOT 20 questions about freakin' homework!

The revelation then comes to me that I have created a monster, wonderful, amazing, and I love him dearly, but kind of a monster, nonetheless. My constant reminders have created a dependent cycle. I remind. My child waits. I remind again. My child gets frustrated. I get frustrated.

The reminding only solves the problem for that moment, that evening, that homework assignment.

And eventually, I'm wondering why my child can't just start their homework without me nagging them about it. There have been a billion opportunities for them to "pick up" on the whole homework process "thing". Right?!?! Get it out. Start it. Finish it. Bookbag it. It's been this way for 9 school years now. And he still doesn't have this?!

Now I worry if he's just refusing to learn responsibility. Then my wiser inner voice says, "Wait a sec! He simply hasn't learned it yet. I'm carrying the responsibility." Yeppers. It's easier to just "be that notification" but by doing that we're not teaching the skills and handing over that responsibility.

And that's not bad parenting! It's just what we do. Personally, I think it all starts with reminders to pee before leaving the house when they're two and we just never release that "reminder role".

Getting more independent with the processes involved in homework, is all about learning, practicing and mastering skills to make it all happen. These skills can absolutely be taught. Additionally, these skills are the building blocks to independent skills they need in the future to be independent in their "adulting" responsibilities.

Time is ticking (if anyone knows how to slow it down a little, please let me know, I'd love to have the power of that 😂). BUT, it is never too late to start.

Honestly, I've done a lot of nagging in my life as a parent. And sometimes nagging gets the job done. For a night or two. You remind your child to start homework, and eventually they start. The immediate problem is solved. But your child isn't handling the responsibility of homework. You are.

Are you planning to follow your kiddo into adulthood and continue to be their personal assistant?

Do you want 40-year-old "adults" living in your house doing next to nothing? (While you still run everything for them, by the way)

So, the real question is: How do we gradually hand that responsibility back to the child?

One mom I worked with recently, had an amazingly smart kiddo, Emily, with a big science project coming up that required most of the work to be done at home. This is a strategy that we tried, and it ended up being pretty successful.

Monday: Choose the topic

Tuesday: Gather materials

Wednesday: Build it out

Thursday: Finish and check

Friday: Bring the project to school

Behind the Behavior

It was wonderful seeing Emily make it over that first hurdle. I was almost as thrilled as her mom was. 😊

However, every single kiddo is as unique as a thumbprint.

A strategy for one kiddo won't work as well, or at all, for another kiddo. Not because the strategy is bad, but because each kiddo's brain needs a strategy that fits their particular brain's wiring.

Every behavior tells a story. When we understand the skill behind the struggle, we can respond with empathy, confidence, and purpose.